


Lit a Match You Can't Put Out

by Drag0nst0rm



Series: Heart to Heart [13]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Dark, F/M, Gen, Season/Series 02, Set early season two
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 17:55:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9836183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drag0nst0rm/pseuds/Drag0nst0rm
Summary: The problem with lighting a fire in an enclosed space is that there's nowhere for the smoke to go and no way to get away from the flames.This goes double for the fires that can grow in people's hearts.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Merlin.
> 
> I cheated a bit again with the romance, but the Gwen/Arthur elements are really important even if they aren't the whole part of the story, so . . .
> 
> I apologize for not posting yesterday. I was even more tired than I thought I'd be. As an apology, have an extra long one today!

Arthur can't breathe without tasting smoke, feeling it crawl down his throats, choking his lungs.

Except when he wakes up from his nightmares. Then, he can't breathe at all.

 

_Fighting Sigan didn't go like Merlin had expected. He'd expected attempted possession. He'd expected gargoyles and fire._

_He hadn't expected Sigan to smirk and throw a spell almost negligently at the unconscious Arthur. The blue light had sped towards him, and Merlin hadn't known how to stop it, so he'd thrown himself forward onto Arthur in a desperate attempt to shield him._

_When the light faded, Merlin opened his eyes. They were in a forest that looked dead, and he could feel things creeping through the trees. Things that made his magic twitch._

_He scrambled to his feet. They could be dead, but if they were dead, he didn't think Arthur would still be unconscious, and even if they were dead, he wasn't going to lie there and let Arthur be attacked._

_By the time Arthur woke up, the bodies of three beasts that hurt to look at were cooling on the forest floor._

 

They expect him to be out of practice, out of shape, out of his mind and lost in the fog of a broken enchantment.

He fights like a dragon unleashed and nearly forgets to pull his blows enough to leave his fellow knights alive. He's ever vigilant. His eyes move constantly as he walks through the castle, and every noise sends his hand to his sword. He can't sleep without someone there to keep watch, and he refuses to admit to this weakness, so he ends up roaming the castle at all hours until this somehow turns into him sleeping on the floor in Morgana's chambers, and she, he, and Guinevere take turns keeping awake and watching the others for nightmares.

The only habits he doesn't keep are boiling his water and assuming that all food is poisoned on principle. He eats and drinks like he's daring the world to kill him, and he looks to Uther with his eyes burning with the heat of a pyre as he does so.

 

_Wherever they were, some forest on earth that Merlin had never heard of, some magical realm, or something else entirely, it didn't matter much. Everything here was trying to kill them, and Merlin hadn't the first idea how to get them home._

_He tried to keep Arthur's spirits up, but his own were about as low as they could get. Arthur noticed, and he turned and gave Merlin the sort of look he normally reserved for young knights right before their first battles. He put his hands on Merlin's shoulders, and he looked every inch the king he would one day be._

_"I will get us home," he promised._

_Then something hissed and came flying out of the trees. Arthur whirled and brought his sword up in an arc. It gutted the beast and fell in a heap._

_"See?" Arthur said, putting the sword away. "There's nothing here we can't handle. We'll be fine."_

_"We'll need food soon," Merlin pointed out, "and water. And I don't exactly trust anything we might find here."_

_"We'll figure something out," Arthur promised, and the fact that he didn't tease Merlin for always thinking of his stomach told him just how seriously Arthur was taking this._

_When more of those hissing things came flying out of the trees, Merlin had no choice but to use magic to help Arthur fend them off. He wasn't sure at exactly what point in the hours long battle of fighting back to back that Arthur figured it out, but it didn't really matter._

_When the last of the beasts was dead, Arthur turned. He hadn't put away his sword._

_"You have magic."_

_Merlin flinched back. He was struggling to find the words to explain himself when he saw one last beast fling itself from the trees. "Arthur, look out!"_

_Arthur dodged to the side automatically. A burst of fire from Merlin's hands burnt the creature to a crisp._

_Arthur looked down at it for a long moment and put his sword away, although he kept his hand near it. "Magic," he repeated. "Do you possibly know a spell for getting us some water?"_

_Merlin gave him a tired smile. "I'll see what I can do."_

 

They tell him that he was enchanted. They say it's the only reason he would have tolerated the sorcerer. 

Sorcerer. Even Gaius won't say his name now.

"Merlin," he says helplessly into his hands one night. "Merlin." He hopes saying the name will ease the horrible emptiness in his chest, but it just makes it twist like the smoke had into the sky.

Guinevere is on watch, and she hesitantly sits down beside him and offers him her hands. She is still unsure of her place, but she has never been afraid to call him out when he is wrong, so he takes some comfort from that. If she is not angry with him, then he is not wrong to mourn this way.

"Merlin," she agrees in a whisper so as not to wake Morgana up. "Merlin, and Father, and Mordred's father, and those druids the last patrol caught . . . "

He struggles to take in a breath. "If you could kill my father," he began, "would you do it?"

She squeezes his hand tightly before answering. "Merlin asked me that once," she admits. "I told him no since it would make me no better than him."

He breathes out. It is treason, what they're discussing. Not just inappropriate, like him sneaking in here to sleep, but treason.

He feels more at ease than he has in weeks.

 

_The tiny blue light popped as soon as it formed. Merlin hissed in frustration. They'd long since learned not to make noises much louder than that._

_"You'll get it," Arthur promised him quietly. "I have faith in you."_

_That faith glowed warmly in Merlin. Arthur had faith in him. Arthur had faith in his magic. It was routine between them now. Merlin's magic purified their water. Merlin's magic transformed the poisonous fruits of the forest into something they could eat. Merlin's magic put up shields that made it possible for one of them to sleep in relative safety while the other stood guard._

_Merlin's magic would bring them home, if he could ever get this spell right. If he could do it before whatever infection was creeping through his wounds made him too weak to do so._

_The light glowed again, and this time it held. "Now!" Merlin shouted, heedless of the noise. Arthur grabbed his arm and hurled them both through._

_The portal snapped shut behind them. They were in the courtyard. It was daylight, and all traces of the battle against Sigan were gone. There were knights in the courtyard though, and Merlin couldn't feel any traces of Sigan's magic, so they must have won. Somehow, they must have won._

_"Sorcery!" an overeager young knight shouted and ran forward._

_The other knights were already moving to hold him back. They would have held him back._

_But their reflexes were far too honed from weeks on the run. Arthur already had his sword out in the hand that wasn't supporting Merlin. Merlin shouted a word that sent the knight flying back, safely away from Arthur._

_The knights charged in earnest then._

_Arthur. They were after Arthur. They were trying to pull Arthur away from him, but they had to stick together, they had to -_

_It was too much magic for his weakened state, but Merlin didn't care. He fought like a wounded bear._

_He could hear Arthur shouting. He could hear swords clanging. He could hear -_

_His leg collapsed, and all he could hear was his blood rushing and pounding in his ears._

 

Every breath in tastes of smoke except when he's near Guinevere. Then the scent of lavender mingles with it and makes it almost bearable. She doesn't fill the gaping hole in him that makes him feel like someone carved out something essential, but he trusts the warmth of her hand in a way that he rarely trusts warmth these days. He is soot and smoke, the remnants of a fire, Morgana is a collection of smoldering embers waiting to blaze to life, and Guinevere is the steady warmth keeping them both in check. Her grief is healthier, and Arthur sticks close, hoping her wholeness will rub off on him.

He kisses her, and it is the most alive he's felt since the pyre, it's the easiest he's breathed since before the fight with Sigan, and it is very, very wrong of him, so he pulls back immediately and apologizes to her as if she's a lady of the court.

She kisses him back, lightly, quickly, and tells him that he'll be a great king, and that she's here for him.

The smoke starts to clear from his lungs at long last. He takes to bringing her flowers, pastries, jewelry - tokens of his gratitude for the way she makes it possible to trust that he's safe, makes it possible for him to sleep, makes it possible for him to breathe.

Morgana assumes that he's courting Guinevere and encourages them. Arthur supposes he is and throws himself into the task. Guinevere is not a traditional choice for a king to be, but she is the only woman he knows that might keep him sane, and that is a very important quality for his future queen to have.

He is not as vigilant as he once was which is how he fails to notice Uther's watching, frowning eyes.

 

_Merlin drifted in and out of consciousness. He was never awake for long, and when he was, everything was fuzzy like he'd been drugged. He caught snippets of words though. Arthur shouting. Gaius making excuses. Someone crying._

_He felt very distant from it all._

 

"She has enchanted you," Uther says, relentless.

"It's a dalliance, nothing more," Arthur lies furiously. "Please, Father, surely you can see she is no witch." He has not called Uther father since the pyre, but he says it now shamelessly, hoping to soften him.

"Her father sympathized with magic users - "

"Tom was innocent and you knew it," Morgana snaps. "You can't seriously mean to burn her for being pretty enough to catch Arthur's eye."

"My decision is final," Uther says. 

There is no air in the room, but Arthur manages to choke out, "Father, please. Banish her, send her away, but please don't do this, I beg of you."

Uther examines them both. Arthur is trying to look humble, but there is too much hard edged desperation in him for that. Morgana blazes with righteous fury, and Arthur knows what Uther will say before he says it.

"I fear I cannot trust you at the execution. Guards!"

Arthur fights. Morgana fights.

In the end, there is nothing he can do but stand at his window when the smoke trails up to it. There are screams carried on it, and then the screams stop.

He cannot breathe for the smoke, and the airless weight on his chest turns him into something harder than diamond.

 

_The stake dug into his back. The logs shifted beneath him._

_His head was still fogged from the drugs. He didn't expect the flames until they blistered his feet._

_They climbed higher and higher. They burned and the pain was even worse than he had imagined it would be._

_Destiny, he thought, confused with pain and drugs. it couldn't happen this way. He had to protect Arthur. He had to help him unite Albion. He had to help bring magic back._

_His magic lashed uselessly against the fog of the drugs._

_He screamed as the flames licked higher. He screamed for Arthur, for the dragon, for Gaius, for his mother. He screamed and screamed and screamed, but the smoke choked him and wouldn't let him, and the pain was too much, too much, too much -_

 

Arthur bows to the king and thanks him for clearing his mind from the enchantment. Morgana is still confined to her room. The long gashes on Uther's face from her nails clearly speak to why.

Arthur bribes the guards and gets into her room that night anyway. He brings a stack of maps and papers with him. He's been working on this since the first pyre, and he's finally finished it now.

"According to Merlin, we have to bring magic back and unite Albion," he informs Morgana as soon as the door closes. 

Morgana looks at him like she's wondering if he's finally snapped. Her eyes are still red. 

"He told me while we were gone," he tells her. "In that forest." They had ended up telling each other most everything there. He starts spreading out the maps and papers on the table. "It was very important to him." 

He's worked it out. If he marries Mithian, Nemeth and Camelot will combine into one kingdom. Together, they're strong enough to take down Lot's kingdom. From there, depending on how it goes - 

Morgana looks through the plans and maps. She stills on one of them. "These plans require magic."

He nods tightly. "I did say we had to bring it back."

"You're - alright with it then? Not just from Merlin, but alright with it?"

He looks up and is not surprised when after his nod, her eyes turn gold and the papers fly up into the air.

He gathers them back and lays them out again. "That will expedite things, assuming you agree to join me."

"It's not _my_ kingdom you're trying to assemble," she points out, but there's no real annoyance in her voice. She's arguing just to argue, just to get the sound of screams out of her head.

Arthur doesn't mind. He shoves another paper at her. A timeline.

"If we want to get it done in one lifetime, we need to begin soon," he tells her, and he watches as the pieces sink in.

"You want to kill Uther," she breathes.

There are flames under Arthur's skin. They burn him from the inside out. His lungs are filled with smoke, and there is no lavender scenting the air. There is no warmth on his hand. There is no voice scolding him for going too far.

There's no wise yet strange advice either, no safety at his back, no completeness in his chest. There is just this choking nothingness that leaves room for nothing but these plans, this destiny, this fiery thing that he is sure is burning in his eyes and turning him into a sharp edged weapon and nothing else.

He does not want to kill Uther. He needs to.

"For them," he tells her.

And she nods, fierce and bright.

So there will be magic at his back, and someone he can trust to burn like he does. 

He hopes Mithian will accept his proposal. She's the most sensible princess he knows, and he needs someone like that. Someone to take over the united Albion when he has been burned into a husk and is finally allowed to rest.

The fire in him is greedy and steals all his air. He wonders how long he can go without breath.

 

_Lancelot joined them for Guinevere and Merlin's sakes, and Elyan joined for his sister. Percival followed Lancelot, and Gwaine got pulled in when he stopped Arthur from getting himself killed before he'd completed his destiny. Morgause, it turned out, was Morgana's sister, which was convenient. She had Cenred wrapped around her little finger, and that was endlessly useful. Mithian accepted his proposal._

_Arthur marched grimly on, providing justice and safety and mercy and everything else the dead would have wanted._

_He still couldn't breathe._

 

He dreams sometimes of gold eyes and lavender. He lingers in the dreams as long as he can.

It is the only time he can breathe.

**Author's Note:**

> I seriously considered faking Merlin's death and bringing him back for the conclusion, allowing Arthur a happier ending, but that would have undermined any claim of mine that this a romance and that Arthur/Gwen is the most important relationship in it.
> 
> So no happy ending this time. Sorry.


End file.
